


"I don't know."

by BID



Series: Helena [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationship, F/M, Fem!Tony, Female Tony Stark, Kidfic, loki is a bit not ok, loki realises he's fabrication bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BID/pseuds/BID
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Mommy" a small girl‘s voice speaks, glimpsing at her mothers face from under then thick, warm orange duvet, clutching it left and right of her face, "When is daddy going to come home?"<br/>Loki can see and hear her clearly from his position behind the door, out of the mother's and child's line of sight, and he almost gasps.<br/>The little girl, his little girl, his daughter, had only ever referred to him as Lolo or Loi, from when the 'k' in his name was too hard to combine with the 'o' and 'i' and it had stuck, but never, not once before had she ever call her anything that'd identify him as a father.<br/>He had assumed that this -- his child's mother, this genius mother hadn't told her about <em>him</em> being the father, and -- and what if she wasn't referring to him? What if she was referring to some other man that was introduced to her as 'Father', and an incredibly fierce, burning wave of protectiveness overcomes him, entirely unexpected.</p><p>"I don't know."</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I don't know."

"Mommy" a small girl‘s voice speaks, glimpsing at her mothers face from under then thick, warm orange duvet, clutching it left and right of her face, "When is daddy going to come home?"  
Loki can see and hear her clearly from his position behind the door, out of the mother's and child's line of sight, and he almost gasps.  
The little girl, his little girl, his daughter, had only ever referred to him as Lolo or Loi, from when the 'k' in his name was too hard to combine with the 'o' and 'i' and it had stuck, but never, not once before had she ever call her anything that'd identify him as a father.  
He had assumed that this -- his child's mother, this genius mother hadn't told her about _him_ being the father, and -- and what if she wasn't referring to him? What if she was referring to some other man that was introduced to her as 'Father', and an incredibly fierce, burning wave of protectiveness overcomes him, entirely unexpected.

"I don't know." the woman answers truthfully, sounding a bit sorry, but unwilling to lie to her daughter.  
She got up and leaned over, kissed the child's forehead and was about to turn away, when a small hand grasped hers, and the girl's voice sounds again, small, and tired but almost desperate, "Does Lolo... How do you know that daddy loves you?"  
Loki's heart skips. By the nine, it skips, and swells and beats to fast, and it pains him as he hears the question, because she doesn't ask that, not really, no, she asks how _she_ , that small creature, his daughter, can know he loves her, she is desperate for him to love her. It shows in her face, in those big, shiny green eyes, and that frown between her brows.  
He wants to run, to run and to rip something apart, to burn something, maybe his heart, for how could he be such a fool?!  
He had a daughter who loved him.  
Children do that, love without condition and she doesn't even know, can't even tell if he loves her back for he is an utter, entire, horrible fool!

In a second all those moments, those little moments where he could have showed her, praised her, gifted or just said to her that he did care, and he hadn't because he didn't even know if she knew he was her father.  
No, no that is not true, he should have seen.  
If he had properly looked and not gotten blinded by his own problems, about being a bad father, being an Odin which he was anyway in the end.  
If he had not kept himself away from her he would have seen that she knew.  
All those looks of obvious awe and thirst for acknowledgement shouldn't just _yet_ register.  
But for now, he focuses back on the woman, small, compact but beautiful, short, wild brown hair and in jeans and T-shirt, and she says it again.

"I don't know."

And this time? This time he really does gasp and she hears it.  
He knows she heard it, sees is in the line of her shoulders and her back, how they suddenly but subtly go hard.

"I can't know, and neither can you. He is a god my dear. A chaos god who can go anywhere in the universe he wants to." she pets the girls hair, and all Loki suddenly wants to do is stay.  
Stay and not go again, because really? All this 'I am not going to get attached if I only visit sometimes' doesn't work anyway and over his thoughts he can barely hear what she whispers in the girls ear, "He can go anywhere he wants to, and he always comes back here. What does that tell us?" and he doesn't see the smile in the small child‘s voice but hears it when she answers, "We are special."  
"Damn well we are! Now go to sleep you little pest." the mother chortles, poking the rosy cheek and then leaving the room.

Before she does he get's a few steps back, making room for her to pass him.

She doesn't. 

Instead she stands in front of him and looks at him.  
Just looks, weary and tired and sad but not without understanding, not without forgiveness and something warm, something that makes him feel warm and by the nine, he really should just grow up and be a man. 

So he does. 

He shoves the fear, and the distrust and the expectation of betrayal and disgust away and takes a step toward her.  
First, he lays a hand on her elbow, one on her shoulder, another step closer drawing her into a hug.

They had never hugged before.  
Aside from the energetic, aggressive sex they had they hadn't touched, not really, and besides science, magic and occasional flyting they hadn't much talked, he had always been too afraid of getting attached.  
Only to have it happen anyway.  
He always came back too, sometimes with weeks in between, but he always _did_ come back.  
Three years ago, when their daughter was born he had pulled away even more.  
She had frightened him.  
The baby, those giant eyes all newborn blue, and wide smile, weak hands that always, always had tried to grab him, no matter what he did she was _always_ trying to get his attention.

In the beginning he had been mocked bit, _"Afraid to get drooled on?"_ or _"Don't worry, just changed the diapers."_ but after a while even those had died down and they had less sex, he stayed away for longer times and had seen that it hurt her, even though she had tried to hide it.  
And he had ignored it, foolishly pushed aside even though he himself didn't know why he always came back.

No that's a lie.  
He knows. 

Loki knows why he always comes back, even though he tried not to think of it, as if it's make it less real.  
He liked them, _loved_ them. Both of them and he had been so afraid that he would get betrayed or weak or some thing like that.  
That he wouldn't be welcome, where every time he was let into The Tower was proof that he was, and just -- why?  
Why had it taken him so long to trust them? To just _see_?!

He doesn't know that.  
Doesn't know what is different this time, what changed his perspective but he presses her closer to his chest and feels the body slowly, cautiously sink against him and fuck, that is his fault, he'll fix this, he'll be better, for his daughter, and for her.

"I am sorry, Toni." he whispers, "I am truly sorry, for being such a fool all this time, for hurting you, both of you. Toni, I -- may I stay? With you?"  
Loki feels Toni's, Antonia Stark's body freeze, and then relax again, and then she tentatively puts her hands on his back. "Took you long enough."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, yes I know, not Chaos of Worship, I'm working on it and can't decide which end to write.  
> This came to me quite randomly, and I hope that you will enjoy it.  
> At the moment there are _no plans whatsoever_ for any other chapters, prequels, requels etc, since I actuall want to continue CoW, _but_ if you want to write something, go ahead! Just let me know so I can read it too :D  
>  All kudos, comments, critics etc are very welcome!
> 
> -BiD


End file.
